Professors, con men and Trump’s uneducated supporters all want to know what was to be taught at Trump University. The big orange man has followed advice from one of his favorite mentors. “..the curriculum…. [of most schools] is a mongrel; in many cases the material to be learned in the various subjects is so swollen that only a fraction remains in the head of the individual pupil, and only a fraction of this abundance can find application…” Fragments of course descriptions from this newly created university have now been found and are published here for the first time.
I. HOW TO CLEAN TOILETS
Cleaning and shinning.
Anyone who has barfed into a toilet bowl knows the difference.
Cleaning: Establish that the surface is 100 percent, finger licking, palate cleansing tasty.
Shinning: Learn how to use the waste and excrement to enhance brightness so the
bowl is suitable for toilet licking crawlers.
Products that clean.
Products that shine.
Best products to survive in this natural disaster are wood and brush. Anyone ever hear of an Indian getting killed in an earthquake?
Indians get killed during earthquakes when they fall into cracks of the earth which open
up. Indians in Indonesia fall into cracks. Don Trump has seen it in the movies.
As many Indians have fallen into cracks in the Earth during earthquakes as there were
Muslims dancing in the streets of New Jersey on September 11, 2001. From that New
Jersey TV show, all Americans know that no one, Muslims or otherwise in that state, can dance.
III. LUNCH ROOM
Employees must eat. Look at Don Trump. He’s never missed a meal, a snack or a free donut. Have a room of vending machines, but only one microwave. Have plenty of chips and fructose sodas with caffeine – no use being politically correct about diet. Call fat, fat, not adipose. It’s done a lot for Don Trump. He’s sculpted with blubber. Charge for all the vending machine foods because no one wants to hire and provide health care for people who weight more than an manatee.
Spend the most money on appearance, especially the outside of the building. A big sign with polished, blinding lights is alluring. Students will enter and explore hoping and believing glamour is big at the school, whereas the buildings are left-over quonset huts from World War Two. [It is easy to date those structures. The linoleum floors always warp at the same rate after 40 years.] But students, with an eye for glitz, kitsch, and bling never look down(and if they do they don’t believe their eyes).
Don Trump could not work without elevators. Spare no expense on them. When a firm has a loud-mouth, tub of lard, ball of fat, obese razorback, it needs a big box to lift that heft. Offset that girth by hiring pretty young things who weigh nothing because they are airheads. Don’t buy and use old equipment. It always breaks down, and it is impossible to leave by the escape holes. You’re stuck. Don Trump once was in an elevator, and he missed lunch and his warm milk and cookie afternoon snack brainfood. He fired his butler that day when he ate it.
Always wear clothes when closing a real estate deal, and never offer anyone the shirt off your back. Don Trump did that once because he owed money to the creep – it was that or hitchhike home. He now goes to Goodwill and buys cheap clothes and give those as shirts off his back. Women laughed at Don Tump that entire afternoon until a new shirt, made overseas someplace, came. He did not think he was funny. It was sexist! A girl he knew lost her pants and panties at the Woodstock Festival; she hitchhiked home without them and wearing nothing. No one laughed at her.
Don Trump has to be hands on to teach women everything they know. How to be polite, pleasant and participatory in all situations. What to do to stop bleeding from orifices. Women have to learn to become hostesses, how to serve refreshments, how to wear make up [a subject Don Trump is expert about]. There are women who show up with all the proper attributes. Don Trump calls them squeeze bunnies.
VIII. MILITARY AND MAKE UP
Don Trump went to a militaristic, teutonic high school; he sympathizes with our veterans. His first policy initiative: Hand out lollipops. Sucking on hard candy in high school was so soothing, just like Mommy’s thumb. There was no PDST. He also felts like a transvestite or sometimes transgender. He wore and now wears more make up than those people do. He sometimes mix sexes. But he wants people to choose and identify themselves. He can’t make up his own mind. People have to tell who they are like Laverne of Laverne & Shirley. Laverne always wore an L on her top which could also represent lesbian.
Sell parcels and acreage of land that are not close to streets and roads. Showing it off by helicopter is best, especially if there’s a little two-laner in the distance that can be overused to develop an isolated tract. Don Trump believed this theory, and he did not know how much he was correct. Don Trump sold land for a far away getaway in nowhere to a stupid Mexican who did not know what he was doing. Don Trump made a profit. It was the second of two islands, stars in the sea. Since oil had taken a downturn, the Mexican hired drillship to bring in construction equipment and supplies. In six months he built 40 homes and created 20 other lots, homes in paradise, solar powered with enough water. He built a sea wall to stop global warming. Mexicans really know how to build walls and other things. The Mexican tripled his money in a year, but he had no imagination. There’s no golf course so the place is not first class.
X. RESET BUTTON
They are needed to stop something stupid you’re doing, and begin being refouled. I’ve tried to begin refreshed but it always smelt, and I don’t like to admit I’m wrong. I’m left dragging a sagging heritage of mush and trying to avoid the pitfalls that stinks up the campaign. Don Trump knows how to speak Mexican – burrito, taco, enchilada. That should satisfy everyone who’s going to build the wall. Don Trump can speak Canadian – Canuck and Potassic fertilizer. Every Canadian sings about such words. Although Don Trump will be refouled with his Reset, the Canadians will send a new supply of rapeseeds so he can mouth-off more.
Talk is cheap. This is true but never admit it. Talk can be expensive. Suppose a house is appraised during a divorce (Don Trump had had two divorces so he knows what he is talking about. There will be a third if Heidi Klum or Megyn Kelly show up.) During the appraisal Don Trump greeted the idiot appraiser, and talked down the property making it worthless. Only devalue the property if you’re going to receive it.
Talking is the most effective way to persuade. Don’s most favorite political adviser notes:
Particularly the broad masses of the people can be moved only by the power of speech. And all great movements are popular movements, stirred either by the cruel Goddess of Distress or by the firebrand of the word hurled among the masses; they are not the lemonade-like outpourings of literary aesthetes and drawing room heroes.
Only a storm of hot passion can turn the destinies of peoples, and he along can arouse passion who bears it within himself.
It alone gives its chosen one the words which like hammer blows can open the gates to the heart of the people.